Three hours of hard time

This column appears in the January 10 issue of the Grand Traverse Insider.

The New Year is upon us! Many people believe in signs and omens. Such people would take the event that happened to me barely one week into the New Year and state that my year was cursed beyond all recovery. I, thankfully, am not one of those people.

This monthly outlet has been full of many things since it first graced the pages of this newspaper. I could continue in that vein, I could write of the three day New Year party that I wandered around with, I could write of recent trips to some of Michigan’s fascinating cities and the adventures held within. I could, but I won’t. Mostly because I have been violated. (Note to Editor, please tell people that was a joke)

I was in our lovely downtown TC last night. I am in need of new shoes, so I had just checked out the stock at Golden Shoes. I returned to my car as I had a meeting with a friend at The Catch. I pulled out, drove a block and was pulled over for failing to turn on my headlights (downtown is bright, afterall, I didn’t even notice). After sitting for about 10 minutes as the officer (a perfectly cordial individual) failed to make the return trip to my window to scold me and send me on my way, I thought maybe something might be wrong. Before long, I was seated in the back of the cruiser, handcuffed, convinced that something must be wrong.

That something was a suspended license.Long story short: Driver’s Responsibility fees, there not just for drunk drivers anymore! Oh no, they’re now for people like me, who do a friend a favor and allow them to borrow my much more capable vehicle whilst I borrow their less capable one only to be pulled over for 3 year old tags and then find that the vehicle is not insured. Lovely.

Apparently it is the policy of the State to send out notices that one’s license is suspended only when they feel like it. It is also the policy of the State to victimize their law abiding citizens by squeezing every penny out of every mishap that they can to make up for their own self inflicted budget short falls. Everyone has seen medieval movies, when the Lords are short on play money, Prince John ups the levies, right? Yeah.

Anyway, having already paid all of the fees for the Driver’s Responsibility Law (last Fall) I thought that I was in the clear. Having just spent a year and a half living in Guatemala, I suppose that the culture shock of my return numbed my brain to the possibility that I might need to visit the Secretary of State.

Thus began my three hours of hard time. (Another joke there)Officers and Corrections officials alike were flabbergasted that this situation had landed me in the spot I inhabited for three hours last night. The joking was plentiful, never at my expense and actually very funny! The typical questions from other hardened detainees made me think of changing my story.

"Whatch ya in fer?"

"Murder......three people.........all pro wrestlers. That’s right, I’m hard-core, pass it around."

I found our Grand Traverse County Jail to be nothing like what one sees on TV. The officers were willing to banter and friendly besides. The actual prisoners seemed resigned to their fate, having accepted that, yeah, this might be my fault. No riots were raging, no chiseled pretty boys with tattooed maps were hatching escape plots and no one gave me a soap on a rope.

I sat on a bench in a public area for a while, answered some questions, paid some money, shared some laughs and went on my way. Lesson learned, never trust the State.

I am no longer suspended, I am free and clear to drive! And drive I will, right to the capital, where I will protest heartily for the right to go out to dinner, get pulled over and NOT go to jail for a crime that was never a crime in the first place.

Maybe I should retract that last bit, they might suspend my writer’s license next.